God · Life · School

Failed…for the third time.

I was enjoying every bit of my vacation.

But one tweet just had to end it all.

This tweet, this particular tweet, was from my classmate in NatSci 1. Her tweet showed her disappointment that she got a 3.0.

With my hopes up and my heart pounding, I decided to check my grade. Slowly, I scrolled down and there, bold-faced as if to mock me, that dreaded 5.0 I was hoping not to see.

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Oh it was more than I could bear. From having failed 2 subjects already (Algebra and Trigonometry and Calculus), I vowed that there will be no more failures in the future.

Obviously, the present grade that I saw proved otherwise. I just failed another subject. My third. Not even counting my 4.0 (conditional grade, pass or fail. it’s complicated).  And I felt really, really bad.

It didn’t really sink in at first, but when I went to tell my mom, I started crying. Real hard.

I started thinking about the 3,000pesos ++ that just got wasted because I failed. Don’t even get me started on how much money I wasted because of the two subjects that I failed before. I didn’t want any delay in my graduation but from the looks of it, it seems that being delayed is now possible. I started worrying about how and where my parents will be getting the money for my tuition. And in between these thoughts running in my mind are my heavy sobs.

My mom, who was always very supportive of me, comforted me of course. Suggesting that being delayed doesn’t have to be a bad thing and that maybe I can take more subjects than the usual number of subjects that I take every sem. She assured me not to worry anymore, and then she went back to their room.

The crying continued.

Of course I can’t let this pass. I wanted to know what happened and why it had to happen. I wanted to know why God planned for me to fail another subject. And honestly, I was so frustrated, not because I failed, but because I told myself that in every situation, whether good or bad, immediate response must be to worship God. And I wasn’t worshiping.

I wanted to worship so bad, but I was too hurt to even talk to God. I continued crying, but I knew deep within me, God is longing to comfort me, to dry my tears and to just talk to me.

Still crying, I decided to open my Bible. I wanted to hear Him. Like a little girl to his dad, I wanted Him to assure me that everything is gonna be okay. “Any word, God. Just talk to me please. I need You.

And He led me to Romans 4.

“Abraham never wavered in believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever He promises.”

– Romans 4:20-21

Then came the waterworks again.

Who knows how many times Abraham and Sarah cried their hearts out to God? Who knows how many times Abraham wanted to shove into God’s face that He was taking too long in fulfilling His promise? Who knows how many times Abraham wanted to give up?

I don’t. All I know is Abraham didn’t give up. What God was promising Abraham was beyond his understanding and it seemed impossible, but nevertheless, he trusted God. Abraham’s faith grew stronger. He just knew that his God is a  promise-keeping God, faithful to His promises.

Obviously, having read Romans 4 didn’t make my 5.0 a passing grade. It still remained 5.0. What changed is my attitude towards this “failure”, this impossibility (of having to graduate on time), etc. Sure, this failure is going to require me to be strategic in choosing my subjects. I probably have to think about taking early morning and late afternoon classes which I told myself that I will never ever take. Seriously, it’s going to be tough. But, Abraham was old, Sarah was barren, BUT Isaac was born. 

Lord, 

I want to be like Abraham. I am hurting right now. But I want to worship You. I want my soul to dance with You.

Even with my failures, I want to glorify You.

(Photo searched in Google.)