Relationships

Just walk away

Has he eaten already? Is his family safe and healthy? How does he feel towards the government right now?

Girl, there is a global pandemic wreaking havoc in the world right now, and all you could think about is him.

This would’ve been valid, healthy even, if he’s thinking about you too. You know, if you both ARE actually a thing.

But, you’re not.

You’ve responded way faster in conversations.

You’ve written more words in those replies.

You’ve allotted more time for him than what your schedule allows.

You’ve allocated more space for him in your mind.

You’ve said “I like you” first one too many times, and, as a result, heard too many I like you too’s.

STOP.

You should stop

Shouldn’t those translate into a glaring sign, in neon letters, that you should stop?

Maybe you should stop.

Stop, whatever it is, you’re doing — or even thinking of doing.

Stop, whatever it is that’s taking up space in your schedule, and start working on your priorites again.

But…you like him too much. You do, don’t you?

Uh-oh.

The wisdom of your troll of a mind

You like him.

Props to that humility, I guess.

It takes courage to admit that. To admit that it’s difficult, because everytime you’d think of him, your mind automatically presses play on TSwift’s Gorgeous track (and those lines, “You’ve ruined my life by not being mine” and “You’re so gorgeous, I can’t say anything to your face” would be on repeat). Your troll of a mind.

Your troll of a mind that fails to function when you need to remember the main assumptions of realism as an international relations theory, but works perfectly when you need to forget how wonderfully-crafted his chiseled jaw is.

Well, you do know that you have the capability to strong-arm this troll to stand down, right?

But…you like him too much. You do, don’t you?

But, is he worth the sleepless nights, when sleep is one of the most precious things in the world for you? Is he worth your time, the most valuable gift you don’t give to just anyone? Is he worth your sanity, the world’s most underrated currency, and frankly, what you absolutely need lately?

If he is worth all these things, then fight. If you can’t fight (or won’t fight), either yet or at all, then what is the point of everything you’re doing right now?

Maybe you should listen to your troll of a mind for once. Maybe, even in all its “trollness”, it actually possesses enough wisdom on this matter.

If the most logical thing to do is to walk away, maybe it is wise to heed this advice.

Forget that your mind would fail you sometimes (hello recit on Public International Law, hello name of this kind lady you supposedly have met 2 weeks ago).

Because, now that you know this, that should be enough motivation for you to walk away.

Walk away from endless pursuits

Yes, even if you like him. Even if he likes you too. Did I already say “even if you like him”?

Even if he does the most swoon-worthy things.

Even if he says the most comforting words.

Even if he writes the most brilliant text.

Even if he cooks the most amazing dishes.

Even if he sings the most beautiful melodies.

Even if he leads the way a shepherd leads his flock.

Even if he restores your hope that is almost stripped away by this chaotic world.

Even if he calms your most erratic thoughts.

Even if he understands even the most confusing ideas your mind can conjure.

Even if he provides all the necessary assurance that your usual overthinker-self needs.

Even if his hugs are more than enough to comprise your safe space.

Even if his arms are more than enough to secure you when you’re feeling lost and afraid.

Even if his hands, interlocked with yours, are more than enough to muster your confidence so you could declare to the world, “Bring it on!”.

Even if he’s everything you’ve dreamed of. And more.

Even if it’s the most difficult thing you will ever have to do.

Just walk away.

For your sanity, just walk away.
For your well-being, just walk away.
For the both of you, just walk away.

Just walk away

Easier said (and written) than done.

But, it’s better than the confusion that the limbo you’re both currently in brings. In the long-run, it’s not gonna be pretty anymore. And you don’t deserve that.

If it’s not worth the effort, just walk away.

If it’s not going to contribute to you becoming a better version of yourself, just walk away.

If only one of you is willing to fight, that, my friend, is a lost battle either way. Just walk away.

Just walk away while you still can.

This isn’t cowardice. In fact, I would argue that this is actually an act of bravery. How so? Isn’t this one of the most difficult things to do, to walk away when you really don’t want to? To walk away, with only the promise that wisdom (at least the right kind, hopefully what has been guiding you thus far) shall bring happiness, assuring you as you keep taking one more step further? To walk away, even if it’s easier to stay?

But, walk away. You can do this.

Walk away from endless pursuits that never satisfy.

It feels good now, but in the end, it isn’t worth it.

So, just walk away. If it’s difficult, still try.

Life · Relationships

In a parallel universe

Disclaimer:

It’s 1:45AM as I write this, and I couldn’t sleep even if I tried. I shouldn’t have downed that strong coffee. So here I am, trying to wear this caffeine off by racking my brain to come up with words that would hopefully translate into something…cool? Idk. 

Thought farts, incoming!!!!

—–

Nice going, Sherlock.

This is the second time that I have been let down by my Sherlock skills (or lack thereof?). Why do I even bother equating myself to and referring to myself as Sherlock Holmes? I suck at this.

Because for the second time, I did not see this coming.

My fingers weaved those words so beautifully that I was sure that your only response would definitely be to wave the white flag and declare my victory. I was a tad bit confident that that piece would win you over. I thought: “After he reads this, I got him, for sure.”.

Embarrassing misplaced confidence.

Because, as I have already established at the beginning of this rambling, my calculations were, again, off. Way off.

You didn’t even budge.

You weren’t even curious.

You remained firm. And, again, not for the reason I wish you were.


Okay, I understand.

In the end, it looks like it is I who should be waving the white flag.

It is probably about time to concede.

Should I give this up now? Do you want me to give up on this?

If you think so, or if you want me to, “Okay. I understand.”.

Just…give me time, time to actually believe myself when I say “Okay, I understand.”. Let me mean it this time.


In a parallel universe…

Okay. Maybe in a parallel universe.

Maybe there, the universe will be kind to us.

The circumstances will be less cruel to us.

The forces beyond our control will be rooting for us instead of tearing us apart.

Maybe in a parallel universe.

But not here, not now.