Life · Relationships

Be scared together, be brave together

Rest now
Go ahead and close your eyes
Try to sleep tonight
‘Cause I’m here
Don’t you fret
I’m here

Hush now
Come and let me dry your tears
I’ll take captive all your fears
I’m here
No need to fret
I’m here

Beside you
To hold you
I will never leave
I’m here with you

Take my hand
Take a breath
Let’s be scared together
And then be brave together

Wrote this song two nights ago because lately, I have been feeling really anxious. We’re still in the middle of this pandemic and it’s not okay, and to say that our current situation is difficult is a solid understatement.

Sure, people have been saying “it’s okay to NOT be okay” and this is a huge relief because this eliminates the burden to always be okay, productive, and normal. However, for the past few weeks, I’ve had a better realization. It really is okay to not be okay, but it’s even MORE AWESOME to not be okay in a not-so-okay situation when you have someone who gives you this assurance: “I’m here“. Every day.

Good days. Bad days. Blah days. Meh days. Carefree days. Difficult days. In not-so-okay days. In days plagued by a pandemic.

I’m here.
With you.
Are you scared? I am too.
Let’s be scared together.
And then, let’s be brave together.
Let’s do this together.

Someone dear to me told me one time: I’m always here.

The skeptic in me wanted to argue:

“Well, technically, that may not be possible. How do you measure ‘always’?”

“You can’t really back this up with evidence.”

“I doubt the reliability of this statement, especially in the next few weeks.”

“You’re probably not thinking straight because of everything that’s happening.”

And all other arguments that would’ve annoyed the heck out of this person and his well-meaning intentions to encourage me.

But this pandemic has exhausted all my debating skills already, so I just caved in and I welcomed that statement, which I wouldn’t usually do under normal circumstances.

I’m always here. That resonated so much with me because I hated hearing advice that are along the lines of “It’s going to be okay”. Usually, things don’t become okay. Sometimes, becoming “okay” takes too long. Other times too, being “okay” doesn’t see its fruition.

But, I realized that the difference it makes when there is someone who assures you with a simple “I’m here”, especially in this time of uncertainty and chaos, is INCREDIBLE. And I am surviving at present because I have people who remind me of their presence, even if the situation is not okay or it takes a long time to be “okay”. They’re scared too, and the uncertainty of everything has shaken people up as well. But they’re here. For me. For their family. For others. And for everyone who needed that assurance.

I hope that every one of us gets to have at least one person who will be with us, assuring us that even in the not-so-okay times, “No need to fret, I’m here“.

Right now, my anxiety has physically manifested into my chubby cheeks and acne breakouts. Mentally, I don’t have that usual strength that I have to weave words into comforting blankets, so I am just writing this fluidly and hope that everything makes sense. If it doesn’t, I apologize and please bear with me.

If you want to listen to how this song sounds, you will have to wait, though, sorry. I am unable to record this for now so, maybe when I feel a bit better. I will TRY to do a decent quality recording of this in the future!!! I just want really want to put this out there as fast as I could, in the hope that it gets to inspire others to write about what they’re feeling too.

Relationships

Just walk away

Has he eaten already? Is his family safe and healthy? How does he feel towards the government right now?

Girl, there is a global pandemic wreaking havoc in the world right now, and all you could think about is him.

This would’ve been valid, healthy even, if he’s thinking about you too. You know, if you both ARE actually a thing.

But, you’re not.

You’ve responded way faster in conversations.

You’ve written more words in those replies.

You’ve allotted more time for him than what your schedule allows.

You’ve allocated more space for him in your mind.

You’ve said “I like you” first one too many times, and, as a result, heard too many I like you too’s.

STOP.

You should stop

Shouldn’t those translate into a glaring sign, in neon letters, that you should stop?

Maybe you should stop.

Stop, whatever it is, you’re doing — or even thinking of doing.

Stop, whatever it is that’s taking up space in your schedule, and start working on your priorites again.

But…you like him too much. You do, don’t you?

Uh-oh.

The wisdom of your troll of a mind

You like him.

Props to that humility, I guess.

It takes courage to admit that. To admit that it’s difficult, because everytime you’d think of him, your mind automatically presses play on TSwift’s Gorgeous track (and those lines, “You’ve ruined my life by not being mine” and “You’re so gorgeous, I can’t say anything to your face” would be on repeat). Your troll of a mind.

Your troll of a mind that fails to function when you need to remember the main assumptions of realism as an international relations theory, but works perfectly when you need to forget how wonderfully-crafted his chiseled jaw is.

Well, you do know that you have the capability to strong-arm this troll to stand down, right?

But…you like him too much. You do, don’t you?

But, is he worth the sleepless nights, when sleep is one of the most precious things in the world for you? Is he worth your time, the most valuable gift you don’t give to just anyone? Is he worth your sanity, the world’s most underrated currency, and frankly, what you absolutely need lately?

If he is worth all these things, then fight. If you can’t fight (or won’t fight), either yet or at all, then what is the point of everything you’re doing right now?

Maybe you should listen to your troll of a mind for once. Maybe, even in all its “trollness”, it actually possesses enough wisdom on this matter.

If the most logical thing to do is to walk away, maybe it is wise to heed this advice.

Forget that your mind would fail you sometimes (hello recit on Public International Law, hello name of this kind lady you supposedly have met 2 weeks ago).

Because, now that you know this, that should be enough motivation for you to walk away.

Walk away from endless pursuits

Yes, even if you like him. Even if he likes you too. Did I already say “even if you like him”?

Even if he does the most swoon-worthy things.

Even if he says the most comforting words.

Even if he writes the most brilliant text.

Even if he cooks the most amazing dishes.

Even if he sings the most beautiful melodies.

Even if he leads the way a shepherd leads his flock.

Even if he restores your hope that is almost stripped away by this chaotic world.

Even if he calms your most erratic thoughts.

Even if he understands even the most confusing ideas your mind can conjure.

Even if he provides all the necessary assurance that your usual overthinker-self needs.

Even if his hugs are more than enough to comprise your safe space.

Even if his arms are more than enough to secure you when you’re feeling lost and afraid.

Even if his hands, interlocked with yours, are more than enough to muster your confidence so you could declare to the world, “Bring it on!”.

Even if he’s everything you’ve dreamed of. And more.

Even if it’s the most difficult thing you will ever have to do.

Just walk away.

For your sanity, just walk away.
For your well-being, just walk away.
For the both of you, just walk away.

Just walk away

Easier said (and written) than done.

But, it’s better than the confusion that the limbo you’re both currently in brings. In the long-run, it’s not gonna be pretty anymore. And you don’t deserve that.

If it’s not worth the effort, just walk away.

If it’s not going to contribute to you becoming a better version of yourself, just walk away.

If only one of you is willing to fight, that, my friend, is a lost battle either way. Just walk away.

Just walk away while you still can.

This isn’t cowardice. In fact, I would argue that this is actually an act of bravery. How so? Isn’t this one of the most difficult things to do, to walk away when you really don’t want to? To walk away, with only the promise that wisdom (at least the right kind, hopefully what has been guiding you thus far) shall bring happiness, assuring you as you keep taking one more step further? To walk away, even if it’s easier to stay?

But, walk away. You can do this.

Walk away from endless pursuits that never satisfy.

It feels good now, but in the end, it isn’t worth it.

So, just walk away. If it’s difficult, still try.